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About Literature / Hobbyist KatziFemale/Australia Recent Activity
Deviant for 4 Years
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deviation in storage by guilts




They tell you that the first step to recovery is admitting the problem exists right? So I guess here is my first step. Here is the truth, probably the most honest thing I have ever written. Here is my confession.

I’ll start with something simple. I have depression. I’ve had it for years. So long, in fact, that I don’t know who I was before I had it. I don’t want to say that I’ve been “battling depression”, because I haven’t. Not really. I’ve simply had it, ignoring it for a long time, pretending that I was perfectly healthy and nothing was wrong. I lied to my friends and family, I lied to my partners. I lie to my daughter every day when she asks if I’m happy. I lie to everyone by saying “I’m okay.” Because I’m not. I haven’t been. I pushed aside my sadness, blocked it off so I wouldn’t feel it, surrounded myself with perfect little stories that I told myself before I went to bed and before I would get up in the morning. “I’m okay. I’m strong. I’m happy.”

I don’t know when it started. And to be honest, it doesn’t really matter. This isn’t a story about my life or any hardships I’ve encountered that I can pin it on. This is a confession, plain and simple. Instead of facing what was wrong with me, I ignored it. I had reasons for it once. “I’ll focus on something else for now, I’ll get better eventually.” And then “eventually” would come around and I would keep pushing it back. “Soon. Soon I’ll fix it.” It never got fixed. It never even got close to being fixed. If anyone asked I would tell them “I got better” or simply “I’ve never had it.” People would turn to me in the hopes that I would help them, praying that I would have some answer for how I got past the struggle. And I would lie some more. Give them my best advice and hope they didn’t dig deeper. Hope that in some twisted way, lying to them would help them. And then my reasoning changed to “You have to be strong for these people. You are expected to help them.” And it continued until I couldn’t handle it anymore. It continued until I had no idea who the person getting up in the morning was. I had no idea who I was. And honestly I was terrified to find out. I was so damn afraid that if I looked past this face that I painted for anyone looking, I would find nothing. No dreams, no goals, no likes or dislikes, no passions, no thoughts. Just. Nothing. So I kept on lying and changing to suit who was around me. And I’m tired. I’m so exhausted that I don’t leave my house. I don’t talk to people. I don’t put effort in. I’m struggling to make it through each and every single day. It’s a hassle to simply move my face to form an expression.

I have an addiction. I’m not addicted to drugs, or alcohol. I’m not addicted to sex or self-harm. I don’t even want to call it an addiction, but it’s destroying everything good in my life and I can’t really put any other word to it. I’m addicted to pushing myself and my problems to the background and giving 100% to anyone who needs even the slightest bit of assistance. This sounds like a silly thing to be upset about until I realize just how much of my life I have thrown away for it. I have been emotionally and sexually abused for it and I couldn’t even say it was abuse because I told them to use me. I have been in debt for it, I have been homeless because of it. My daughter was homeless because of it – twice. I have been heartbroken because of it, I’m completely and totally alone because of it. I look at people around me, see that they need help and have the overwhelming urge to make them my whole world so that they don’t hate the person that they see in the mirror. It started off as a good thing; people would tell me I was selfless and kind; “You do so much for everyone and ask for nothing in return.” It became the only thing I knew and so self-destructive that when I had no one around me that needed help I would have panic attacks because what was I even doing with my life? What good was I to anyone? Why did anyone even keep me in their life?

So I started making problems. I would listen, and find something, anything, that someone was upset about it and I would try my hardest to ‘fix’ it. I ended up doing more harm than good; I got it into my head that no one needs you, you fuck up everything you touch, don’t try, don’t put yourself out there, and don’t bother doing anything. At all. Ever. All this because I refused to even think about helping myself. I refused to even think about fixing the real problem. I hate myself because of this. I hate everything I am and everything I say and everything I think.

Someone told me once “you’re my hero. I look up to you so much.” and at the time I was so damn happy. It was everything I ever wanted, to be needed and to be the one that people turned to for support. Now I hear it in my head and it’s a kick to the gut. I am a carefully constructed false idol of recovery.

I have driven every single person I’ve loved from my life and I refused to believe that I was to blame for it because “all I’ve ever done is help people, what did I possibly do to make you hate me?” Now I understand that I can’t keep pretending I’m not at fault. I can’t keep pretending that I’m a healthy addition to someone’s life because honestly I’m a poison to every single person I’ve ever been around. And that is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to admit. I wanted to be someone that mattered. If anyone needed help I wanted the first thing that came to mind to be my name. I wanted to set a good example, to be the kind of person that other people would learn from and aspire to be like. I wanted to be the kind of person that I would be proud to see my daughter grow up as. Now I realize that if my daughter grew up to be like me, it would be heartbreaking and sickening. Now I realize that I can’t keep going like this.

I don’t want sympathy. I don’t want people to look at me and think “Oh that poor girl”. I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to lay down their life to help me.

What I want more than anything is to finally get better. I want to not have to lie to my daughter when she asks me if I’m happy. I want to be able to tell people “No I’m sorry but I really can’t do that right now” without feeling like they’re going to go and kill themselves because I wasn’t there to help. I want to stop feeling guilty. I want to be okay with who I am and I want to be able to accept the fact that sometimes life is a fucking bitch and all I can do is do my best. I want to feel like my best is my best, and I don’t want to have to push myself to do better than I am physically able to. And admitting that there is a problem is the first step to recovery.

So here, for the whole damn world to see – I am not okay. And that is okay. I don’t have to be; I just have to know that as long as I keep on trying and keep reminding myself, one day I will be “okay” and I will look at myself with pride instead of disgust.
Link by BloodRoseSnow
Once I drew Link. Yes his lips are wonky. Yes I didn't feel like drawing two eyes. Yes his sword is missing. Do I care? No. Not really.
Day of The Dead by BloodRoseSnow
Day of The Dead
This was for the Day of the Dead shoot; basically just a selfie really to show off the makeup and hair.

Any modelling photos I post are more than welcome to be used as a base/stock image. You don't need to ask and you don't even need to credit me. I have no need for these photos :shrug:

Tarot Cards by BloodRoseSnow
Tarot Cards
This was supposed to be a "Day of the Dead" Shoot. Also (like the Grunge shoot) pretty much all of the photos include me and another person, and I don't have permission to post those. This was also the very first model shoot I had ever done. Ever.

Any modelling photos I post are more than welcome to be used as a base/stock image. You don't need to ask and you don't even need to credit me. I have no need for these photos :shrug:

:O FINALLY jumped back onto DA because I miss it so much and.....alot of things have changed :/ Haven't had a proper look yet so  I can't say for sure whether I like the changes or not :P Eh time to Explore~!
  • Listening to: Washing Machine
  • Watching: Dragon Age: Origins
  • Playing: Dragon Age: Origins


BloodRoseSnow's Profile Picture
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
'Cause I've done some things that I can't speak
And I've tried to wash you away but you just won't leave
So won't you take a breath and dive in deep
'Cause I came here so you'd come for me
I'm begging you to keep on haunting
I'm begging you to keep on haunting me~

Hi I'm Katzi, I write things and sometimes I draw too. I take requests but just a heads up I have an 8-page words doc of requests that I still need to do so it will take me some time to get to everything. Still, if you'd like something written/drawn/reviewed then feel free to send me a note (I check notes more than I check comments) and I'll let you know if I can take your request :)

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shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
welcome to :iconpoetrynprosewatchers:

We accept your :+fav: literature - poetry and prose alike. We do not accept your deviations. Submitting them, will result in their immediate rejection.

Rules about our group can be found here: What is this group about?HEYYY!! :squee:
My name's =shehrozeameen and I welcome you to #PoetrynProseWatchers.
This group is basically carrying the legacy and ideology of #Poetry-Watchers. And what is that ideology, I hear ya'll ask? :?
Its simple: submit your favourite prose and poetry deviations!
:saddummy: still confused?
As a member, you find yourself with works which are simply awesome... they're too awesome to resist... so you feature them... but not everyone gets exposure.
Thus, this group came into being: So that all of you can be given the privilege of not only my favourite deviations, but also your favourite deviations are shared as well. They'll get features, group exposure, even themed identification of why they're awesome to begin with!
So, how does it work? What's the method:
you submit to the poetry and prose folders only. Features are selected by the contributors, founder and co-founder. Anyone can apply for the contributor position - send me a :note: and I'll send you the inv

For submitting to the group, consult this journal: Regarding submissions and new developments :)Hey everyone!
Its me, =shehrozeameen, your founder!
And ~Pauper-Circumstance and ~UnThai, your co-founders!
As all of you can see from the above title, today's journal entry is about submissions. Thus, what're we waiting for? Lets get started!
Now, how does it all begin...
the first step is getting to the group. Type (on your address bar)
Or alternatively, select it from your groups.
OR click the icon ------------------------------------> :iconpoetrynprosewatchers:
Good, now: step 2.

After selecting gallery, click on the "Submit to this gallery" button. this link will show you where that button is
so far so good...
Alright, step 3.
Clicking the "Submit to this gallery" button will result in a submission screen coming. For those who are running other groups, you have two options: Submit a new deviation and Contribute an existing deviation

Select "Contribute an existing deviation". Y

For more information, send a :note: over to :iconshehrozeameen: or :iconpauper-circumstance: or ~UnThai.

We hope to see your participation in our group. :) Cheers :squee:
BloodRoseSnow Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Looks interesting :) Thank you
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Ameyama Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you so much for adding me to your watch list!
BloodRoseSnow Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome hon :)
RoseScarlet Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2013  Student Writer
Your poems are amazing :heart:
BloodRoseSnow Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Aaaw thank you very much :D I'm glad you enjoy them ^_^
RoseScarlet Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2013  Student Writer
<3<3<3 thanks for writing them.
sinnkitty Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2013  Professional General Artist
Thank you very much for the watch :heart:
BloodRoseSnow Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You are very welcome <3
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