Suicide Awareness Contest Entry

Mommy, where’d you go?
Why did you leave me all alone?
Come back please,
I want a cuddle.

We threw you in the deep end,
without asking if you knew how to swim.
You didn’t.
And we told you to swim,
even laid out carefully constructed plans
and diagrams.
But you panicked and ignored us,
fighting just to breathe.

We didn’t understand the panic,
why didn’t you just swim?
But you just got slower and weaker
with each struggle; with each
“I’m doing the best I can.”
We said your best wasn’t good enough,
try harder.
And with gasping lungs you begged,
begged for dry land to stabilize
your aching limbs.

When you finally stopped we thought
that we had gotten through;
we thought you had worked it out,
that you could now swim without instruction.
But you simply had no more strength,
And you drowned listening to us
yelling for you to just swim.
We didn’t understand that panic;
to us you were strong enough to carry on.
Why didn’t you see your strength?

Mommy I love you.
I ask every day,
“When’s mommy coming back?”
But no one will answer me.
Why?

I hate what you’ve done.
I hate that you would stoop so low
and become so cowardly.

I can’t stand the mourning
you’ve put everyone through.
How selfish of you,
how completely and utterly
disgusting that act is.

You did it anyway,
knowing what you would put
everyone around you through.

All these people who love you
and care about you,
they were here for you,
you just had to speak up.
No one would have abandoned you.

Why? Why would you dare?
Why couldn’t you appreciate
all the good you had?
What did you think this would fix?

It fixed nothing.
You leaving made giant canyons in our lives and hearts,
they will never be filled, always feel empty.
You put that emptiness there.

Coward. Your actions sicken me.
I hate you. No. I hate what you’ve done.

I will never understand why you felt
so alone with everyone holding you.
I miss you. I was there for you.
I said I loved you, that I loved all of you.
Why didn’t you believe me?
Why didn’t you just ask me for help?

Mommy can you hear me?
Why won’t you come back?
Did I do too many naughties?
Did I throw too many tantrums?
I promise I’ll stop. I’ll be good.
Come back.

This whole time I knew you hurt.
But I thought in time you’d get better.
It was a phase, or a cry for attention.

I thought you were selfish and a liar.
You were the one who walked away from me,
from your family.
I knew you hurt. I thought it was guilt.
Guilt for leaving when we needed you.

I told you how I survived fighting alone.
I told you that you should do the same.
I thought I was helping you,
isn’t that what mothers do?

You never listened. Always told me
I hurt you.

Is that why you did it?
Did I push you so deep into the murk,
that you had no chance of seeing the light,
and finding your way back?

I never understood how much you hurt.
Was it my fault?

Mommy I just want you to come home.
No one makes my spaghetti like you do.
No one sings like you,
no one hugs like you.
I want you to come back.
You will come back
Won’t you?

I didn’t understand why you never felt good enough.
You were so perfect to me,
you were there for me,
you gave me strength and helped me up.
You made my life interesting.

I loved you and your daughter.
You were my best friend.
So why did you think you were worthless?

Why did you feel the need
to gain societies approval?
Or the approval of your mother?
You didn’t need their approval.

You had a little girl who loved everything
about you, every bit of you.
So why didn’t you see it?

Why didn’t I understand?
We knew everything about each other,
Best Friends For Life, remember?
It was us against everyone else.

But you didn’t come to me for help.
Did you think I couldn’t help you?
Did you think I would hate you for feeling
that way? Were you afraid?

You didn’t need to be.
I was there for you.
How can I be there for you if you’re gone?
And how will you be here for your daughter?

I don’t understand why you didn’t come to me.
I don’t understand why we weren’t
good enough for you to keep living.

Mommy I don’t understand.
Why did they put you in the ground?
They said you were asleep,
and that you were sleeping there.
Your friend said you were sad.
Is that why you left mommy?
Because you were sad?
Did people say bad things?

Mommy you were perfect.
To me you were always perfect.
I promise mommy, when you come back
we can cuddle and I’ll make you smile
I promise.
So please wake up soon mommy.
I miss you.

_{Killing yourself affects everyone around you. Please, do not ever let fear stop you from reaching out for help.}